Tag: family

Love Your Children More Than You Hate Your Ex –

The Harmful Effects of Contentious Divorced Parents and the Benefits of Positive Co-Parenting Relationships

Divorce is a challenging process for families, often resulting in significant emotional upheaval for both parents and children. While the dissolution of a marriage can provide relief from a toxic or unhealthy partnership, the way parents handle their relationship post-divorce profoundly impacts their children’s well-being. Contentious interactions between divorced parents can lead to lasting negative effects on children, while positive co-parenting relationships can foster resilience and healthy development.

In this post, we’ll explore the harmful effects of high-conflict parental relationships, the benefits of positive co-parenting, and strategies for building a healthier dynamic.

The Harmful Effects of Contentious Divorced Parents

Divorce itself does not doom children to poor outcomes; rather, it is the exposure to chronic conflict between parents that poses significant risks to their emotional and psychological health. High-conflict divorces—characterized by persistent arguments, insults, and lack of cooperation—create an environment of stress and instability for children. Here are some key effects:

1. Emotional and Behavioral Issues

Children exposed to ongoing parental conflict are at greater risk for developing anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems. Research has shown that witnessing parental disputes can alter children’s stress responses, leading to increased cortisol levels and heightened emotional reactivity. Over time, this stress can manifest as defiance, aggression, or withdrawal.

For example, a study published in Psychology Today highlights that children in high-conflict environments are more likely to experience long-term mental health issues, including difficulties in forming relationships and managing their emotions.

2. Communication Difficulties

Post-divorce, children often find themselves caught in the middle of parental disputes. This dynamic can strain parent-child relationships, particularly between the non-custodial parent and their children. Research from Transitions Legal notes that daughters of divorced parents, for example, may struggle with communication, especially with their fathers. These difficulties can extend into adulthood, affecting romantic and professional relationships.

3. Risky Behaviors and Long-Term Instability

Children of divorced parents in contentious relationships are more likely to engage in risky behaviors such as substance abuse, early sexual activity, and academic disengagement. Additionally, studies published on PubMed Central indicate that these children are at higher risk of living in poverty, experiencing family instability, and struggling with adult relationships.

The Benefits of Positive Co-Parenting Relationships

In contrast to high-conflict divorces, positive co-parenting relationships can significantly mitigate the negative effects of divorce and foster a supportive environment for children. Co-parenting involves both parents working collaboratively to prioritize their child’s well-being, regardless of personal differences.

1. Enhanced Emotional and Psychological Well-Being

When parents maintain a cooperative relationship, children are less likely to experience the stress and anxiety associated with parental conflict. Positive co-parenting allows children to feel loved and supported by both parents, fostering resilience and emotional security. According to research highlighted on Lovevery, children whose parents communicate effectively after separation fare better in terms of mental health, social skills, and academic performance.

2. Stability and Security

Children thrive in predictable and stable environments. Co-parenting arrangements that prioritize consistency—such as shared routines, rules, and expectations—provide children with a sense of security. This stability is crucial for their development, helping them feel grounded even as their family dynamics shift.

3. Positive Role Modeling

Effective co-parenting demonstrates healthy conflict resolution and collaboration to children, serving as a positive model for their own future relationships. Studies summarized on Wikipedia indicate that children with actively involved parents are more likely to exhibit higher self-esteem and lower levels of behavioral problems.

Strategies for Building a Positive Co-Parenting Relationship

Cultivating a positive co-parenting relationship is not always easy, especially when emotions are raw. However, the effort pays off significantly in terms of the child’s well-being. Here are some strategies:

1. Maintain Open and Respectful Communication

Effective co-parenting begins with clear, respectful, and consistent communication. Parents should focus on discussing issues related to their child’s needs, schedules, and well-being while avoiding personal conflicts. Co-parenting apps, such as OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents, can facilitate communication and reduce misunderstandings.

2. Establish Consistent Rules and Routines

Children benefit from consistency, especially during times of upheaval. Parents should work together to establish similar rules, expectations, and routines across households. This predictability helps children feel secure and reduces confusion or manipulation.

3. Focus on the Child’s Best Interests

It’s essential to prioritize the child’s needs above personal grievances. Parents should make decisions based on what is best for their child’s physical, emotional, and social well-being rather than using the child as a pawn in conflicts.

4. Seek Professional Support

Family therapists and mediators can help parents navigate challenging dynamics and develop effective co-parenting strategies. Therapy can also provide children with a safe space to process their feelings and build coping mechanisms.

5. Consider Parallel Parenting in High-Conflict Cases

For parents unable to maintain direct communication, parallel parenting—a model that minimizes interaction while allowing both parents to remain involved—can be an effective alternative. This approach focuses on reducing conflict by establishing clear boundaries and separate parenting responsibilities. Parents.com offers practical tips for implementing a parallel parenting plan.

Conclusion

Divorce is undoubtedly a difficult experience, but it doesn’t have to result in long-term harm to children. The way parents handle their post-divorce relationship can make all the difference. High-conflict interactions increase the risk of emotional, behavioral, and social difficulties for children, while positive co-parenting fosters resilience, stability, and healthy development.

By committing to respectful communication, consistency, and a focus on the child’s best interests, parents can create an environment where their children can thrive, even after divorce. When direct collaboration is not possible, strategies like parallel parenting and professional mediation can help mitigate conflict and protect children from its harmful effects. In the end, the greatest gift divorced parents can give their children is a united commitment to their well-being.

Positive Parenting

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Before defining positive parenting, it’s important to consider that the term “parents” encompasses a variety of individuals who play a significant role in a child’s development. Beyond biological and adoptive parents, this can include foster parents, single parents, step-parents, older siblings, and other family members or non-relatives involved in a child’s life. Therefore, when we use terms like “parent” or “caregiver,” we are referring to anyone who has a consistent relationship with and interest in the well-being of a child. Fortunately, research on parenting has shifted from focusing on risk factors to examining protective factors and promoting positive outcomes. Positive parenting is an example of this approach by emphasizing behaviors that contribute to healthy youth development. In fact, Seay and her colleagues (2014) have reviewed numerous studies and defined positive parenting as an ongoing relationship between parent(s) and child that includes nurturing, teaching, guiding, communicating, and meeting a child’s needs consistently and unconditionally.                   

            According to the Committee of Ministers of the Council of Europe (2006), positive parenting is characterized by nurturing, empowering, and nonviolent behaviors. It also involves providing recognition and guidance while setting boundaries to support the child’s complete development (as cited in Rodrigo et al., 2012, p. 4). From these definitions and the existing literature on positive parenting, it can be inferred that positive parenting entails the following:

• It involves Guiding

• It involves Leading

• It involves Teaching

• It is Caring

• It is Empowering

• It is Nurturing

• It is Sensitive to the Child’s Needs

• It is Consistent

• It is Always Non-violent

• It provides Regular Open Communication

• It provides Affection

• It provides Emotional Security

• It provides Emotional Warmth

• It provides Unconditional Love

• It recognizes the Positive

• It respects the Child’s Developmental Stage

• It rewards Accomplishments

• It sets Boundaries

• It shows Empathy for the Child’s Feelings

• It supports the Child’s Best Interests

            Godfrey (2019) suggests that the key belief of positive parenting is that every child is inherently good and has an innate desire to do what is right (positiveparenting.com). This approach also aims to use disciplinary techniques that nurture a child’s self-worth and foster a respectful relationship between parent and child, without crushing the child’s spirit (Godfrey, 2019). These authors paint positive parenting as a nurturing and affectionate method, but not one that allows for permissiveness.

            Numerous studies have demonstrated the positive effects of parenting on a child’s development, both in the short and long term. The Positive Parenting Research Team (PPRT) at the University of Southern Mississippi, led by Nicholson in 2019, has focused on investigating how positive parenting practices can shape a child’s outcomes. Ultimately, their goal is to encourage families to engage in positive parenting behaviors.

            In their longitudinal study spanning seven years, Pettit, Bates, and Dodge (1997) analyzed the effects of supportive parenting on pre-kindergartners. Supportive parenting was defined as displaying warmth and care towards one’s child, actively teaching and guiding them, using inductive discipline techniques, and being positively involved in their lives. The researchers compared this approach to less supportive parenting styles, which were found to lead to more positive school adjustment and fewer behavior problems for children by the time they reached sixth grade. Additionally, supportive parenting served as a buffer against negative factors within the family (such as low socioeconomic status, familial stress, and single parenthood), reducing the likelihood of children developing behavioral issues later on (Pettit et al., 2006).

            Through their studies at the Gottman Institute, researchers also looked into the effects of positive parenting. They created a 5-step program called ’emotion coaching’ with the goal of promoting children’s self-assurance and encouraging healthy intellectual and psychosocial development.

Gottman’s five steps for parents include: 1. awareness of emotions; 2. connecting with your child; 3. listening to your child; 4. naming emotions; and 5. finding solutions (Gottman, 2019).

            Research consistently shows that positive parenting has a significant impact on the healthy development of children. This influence is long-lasting and extends far beyond childhood. Positive parenting can be viewed as a source of resilience for children, even those who may have faced initial disadvantages. By providing a nurturing and supportive environment, positive parenting equips children with the emotional strength to face challenges. As a result, positive parenting helps to minimize gaps in health and opportunities for all children. With such overwhelming evidence, it’s no wonder that every parent would want to learn how to implement positive parenting strategies and give their child the best chance at a happy and fulfilling life.

            Many people associate the word ‘discipline’ with punishment and negativity. However, according to Merriam-Webster (2019), discipline means “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character.” This definition serves as a reminder that as parents, we are not just disciplinarians, but also teachers. Our goal is to respectfully guide our children towards making positive choices and reinforce good behaviors. Positive discipline aligns with authoritative parenting, as it should be administered with a firm yet loving approach. It is important to note that positive discipline does not involve violence, aggression, or criticism; it is not meant to be punitive. Research has shown that physical punishment such as spanking is ineffective in changing long-term behavior and can have negative consequences on children (Gershoff, 2013).

            Positive discipline aims to educate and train, rather than inflict pain or harm (Kersey, 2006, p. 1). According to Nelsen (2006), a sense of belonging is a fundamental need for all individuals, and this cannot be achieved through punishment. In fact, she outlines the four harmful effects of punishment on children (“the four R’s”), including resentment towards parents, seeking revenge, rebellion against authority, and withdrawal and loss of self-esteem (Nelsen, 2006).

            In her informative and practical guide for parents, Positive Discipline (Nelsen, 2006) highlights several crucial components of positive discipline: non-violence, respect, and alignment with developmental principles; instilling self-respect, empathy, and self-efficacy in children; and nurturing a strong and positive relationship between parent and child. In other words, “by showing respect towards children, we are teaching them that every person, no matter their size, power or vulnerability, deserves to be treated with respect – a lesson that our world desperately needs” (LR Knost, lovelivegrow.com).

            Considering that positive discipline does not involve punishment, we must ask ourselves, “What does it actually entail?” This question is especially pressing for parents who feel like their child is actively trying to drive them insane. We will cover some common frustrations parents face in this article, but for a more thorough understanding, Kersey’s (2006) “101 Positive Principles of Discipline” is an excellent resource. Here are her top ten principles:

  1. Demonstrate Respect Principle: Treat the child in the same respectful way you would like to be treated.

2. Make a Big Deal Principle: Use positive reinforcement in meaningful ways for desired behaviors. Reward such behaviors with praise, affection, appreciation, privileges, etc.

3. Incompatible Alternative Principle: Provide the child with a behavior to substitute for the undesirable one, such as playing a game rather than watching tv.

4. Choice Principle: Provide the child with two choices for positive behaviors so that he/she feels a sense of empowerment. For example, you might say “would you rather take your bath before or after your brush your teeth?”

5. When/Then – Abuse it/Lose it Principle: Ensure that rewards are lost when rules are broken. For example, you might say “After you clean your room, you can play outside” (which means that a child who does not clean his/her room, will not get to play outside. Period.)

6. Connect Before You Correct Principle: Ensure that the child feels loved and cared for before behavioral problems are attended to.

7. Validation Principle: Validate the child’s feelings. For example, you might say “I know you are sad about losing your sleepover tonight and I understand”.

8. Good Head on Your Shoulders Principle: Ensure that the child hears the equivalent of “you have a good head on your shoulders” in order to feel capable, empowered and responsible for his/her choices. This is especially important for teenagers.

9. Belonging and Significance Principle: Ensure that your child feels important and as if he/she belongs. For example, remind your child that he/she is really good at helping in the kitchen and that the family needs this help in order to have dinner.

10.Timer Says it’s Time Principle: Set a timer to help children make transitions. This helps kids to know what’s expected of them and may also involve giving them a choice in terms of the amount of time. For example, you might say “Do you need 15 or 20 minutes to get dressed?” Make sure to let the child know that the time is set.

            With the abundance of positive parenting options and helpful resources at hand, parents can confidently embrace their role as educators, mentors, and positive influences for their children. By consistently implementing these strategies, parents can establish a strong and lasting bond with their children that will endure throughout their lives.