For some reason, we have learned it is impolite, abrasive or selfish to ask for what we need. Instead, we hint and hope that the people in our lives will somehow magically know what it is that we want. Of course, as a kid making a Christmas list it is easy; “I want the Red Rider carbine bb gun with the compass in the stock.” As an adult, we may still find it a little easier to tell someone what item we want, “I want a pair of diamond earrings for my birthday;” but I wonder, how different our relationship experiences would be if we asked specifically for what we wanted on every level.
This applies not just to romantic relationships; but we can start there. Often, couples seek counseling because they don’t seem to be communicating in a way that their needs are being met. When probing, however, I find that they aren’t typically asking for what they need; but assuming their partner will somehow magically just know. If you say to your partner, for example, “you don’t help around the house” your partner is likely to get defensive and list all the ways they, in fact, feel they are being helpful. A more helpful way to communicate your need is to say, “I am feeling overwhelmed. Will you please cook dinner tonight?” Your partner then has three possible responses: yes I will, no I cannot, I am not sure if I am able to do that so I would like to discuss another solution with you.
A conversation with couples often starts with, “tell me specifically how you know that someone loves you.” Think about this question for a moment. For most people, it is harder to answer than at first glance. Specifically . . . how do you know? To try and wiggle out of the answer, many will say something like, “I just feel it.” If you have sat in my therapist office though, you know I never let you off that easy! Again, specifically, what does someone DO that causes you to believe they love you?
I like to use a personal example to illustrate what I am meaning. When I had been married a short time, the stomach flu when through our house. My husband got it first and was in bed miserable for a day or so. I waited for him to ask for something he wanted and gave him peace, space, and quiet to rest and feel better. A couple of days later, it was my turn. It felt like every few minutes he was asking me what he could get me. He was bringing me something. He was doting on me. Fast forward a few days when we were both feeling better, I realized there was some tension between us. After talking, we realized that we were both doing for the other person what we actually wanted them to do for us; but we hadn’t taken the time to really listen to what one another’s personal needs were. My husband wanted me to dote on him and felt neglected when I didn’t. I felt overwhelmed and annoyed with a lot of attention when he was simply trying to care for me in the way he wanted cared for. How much easier it would have been if we had both asked, specifically, for what we wanted.
This tactic applies to every relationship in your life. Take, for example. Your relationship with your boss. You have been given a project to complete and you are running out of time. Believing she is helping you, your boss sends you two interns to help you complete the project. You have found that explaining things to the interns is taking twice as long and you really need to have uninterrupted time alone in order to complete the assignment. Your boss is trying to be helpful and is providing you with, likely, what would be helpful to them. If you don’t clearly ask for your needs, you will be left resentful and overwhelmed.
Recently, I was talking with someone about having taken a new job. The training program was not at all leaving them feeling as if they would be successful at learning and prepared for the tasks of the job. Together, we developed a script which allowed the employee to outline their learning style for their manager and gave an option of a plan that the employee felt would work for them. When presented to their manager, not all of the suggestions were implemented, but they had a very productive conversation, created and implemented a training plan for the employee that worked for everyone involved.
The next time you find yourself saying, “they should just know” or “I wish they understood” instead ask yourself, “have I clearly articulated what I need?” You just might get the answer you want!
By: Marla Y. Johns, MS MHP LMHC
A New Tomorrow Therapy 